


To Know My Enemy

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Platonic Female/Female Relationships, Season/Series 05, Unresolved Emotional Tension, somewhat canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-01-31 15:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12684756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: This is set during the S5 finale where Vera and Joan speak in Medical after her lynching. I extended the scene for them to talk more than what they did in the finale because I wished they had, so this is why I have the tag that says "somewhat canon."





	1. Vera

**Author's Note:**

> As a side note, while I have the Joan/Vera relationship tag, this will have a platonic canon interaction and will not be romantic or sexual.
> 
> And please note that the quotes in bold are not said in real time since they're memories of quotes that have been said in past episodes between the characters.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you can cultivate the right attitude, your enemies are your best spiritual teachers because their presence provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience and understanding." - Dalai Lama XIV

I feel the frustration and desperation building inside me as Channing tells me that he can't put Joan Ferguson into Protection. It's typical that he'd let his biases cloud his judgment. After what happened in the yard with the lynching, why am I still surprised he's refusing her? I suppose I still hope for a better system, but it's broken and corrupt. And I hate to admit that I haven't been left unscathed. Even I am one of the corrupt. I'm ashamed of myself. So, I try as best as I can to still hold onto that side of myself that believed in fair justice.

“I've already saved her once!”

“What do you want, a medal?” Channing asks sarcastically.

_No, but I saved her because it was the right thing to do but give me some fucking credit for doing what you couldn't!_

“If you do this, I'll have to make a full report to the board about your decision,” I say with finality, hoping to drive some fear into him. I mean what I say. I will report him if needed. I already reported one Governor before this so I'm not afraid to report this man who took my job.

He smirks and it grates on me as he says, “Go for your life.”

He slams the door and I stare at the sign of Governor on it. I glare at the door, gritting my teeth at this powerless feeling. He shouldn't be the acting Governor. He can't even do what is right just because of his past history with Joan. I turn around and sigh in relief as I see Will.

“Why's Stuart still here?” He asks.

“Well, I don't get to make decisions anymore. Trust me, I want him gone as much as you do.”

_I can't stand to see Jake's poor, pathetic and smug face in this prison, and what's worse is knowing none of what we had was real._

I rub my forehead, a dull ache spreading as I feel a headache coming on.

“You okay?”

I look up at Will and he looks concerned. I have a moment where I'm afraid I might cry.

I sigh and take a deep breath, and it feels like I'm breathing in a little too fast and the pain of that sharp inhale feels like it pierces my lungs.

“You know it was Ferguson pulling his strings the whole time.”

Will's eyes widen incredulously. “Jesus!”

He stares down at me with a slightly confused and resigned expression. “You still couldn't let her hang, and I couldn't let her burn.”

What a loaded statement. There wasn't much of an explanation as to why we both did this. Will was always a believer in the law and justice just like I was. I fell down the hole of corruption in order to protect the prisoners and myself from Joan. Sometimes I'm not sure if it was worth it, but what choice did I have? I couldn't let her get away with hiring someone to kill Nils Jasper and her stabbing of Bea Smith. I couldn't go down for Bea's actions. I didn't think she'd go after her. I could never foresee that Bea would escape and try and kill Joan. That fucking screwdriver. I was stupid and naive to think that she'd only want to get a taped confession.

I shake my head, not quite fully understanding why I saved her in the first place. It was incredibly hard to do the right thing in the end. That's when it mattered. Everything else didn't matter until I saw Joan hanging from the noose and I realized how insidious my own behavior was. I didn't want to be like them or her. Just because she tried to hurt me, didn't mean she should be hurt or worse. Some days I wish I didn't feel empathy. It would make my job a lot easier.

**“Everything I do is for the greater good.”**

I remember her voice as she said this to me so long ago and it serves as a reminder of what she's capable of... and now what I'm starting to be capable of. At least my version of the greater good is actually _good_ , not some twisted version of “good.” Joan's idea of the greater good was completely self serving. Although I admit that some things did oddly help the prison; overall the negatives far outweighed the positives. I couldn't let her continue knowing all the horrible things she did, and even those I only knew some of. When I heard the crimes listed in the yard, and then Joan snapped almost snarling at the women. She defended herself in this delusional display of superiority in the name of what she thought was best for the women. She was like a cornered animal and it was frightening to see and that's when I knew things were going to get ugly.

I walk down the hall and I know I'm about to pass Medical and Joan is there and if I can just walk past her without looking at her, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. I have the sudden nostalgic feeling as if I'm running into my bed so the monsters won't grab me. The thought of knowing the real monster who I slept in bed with and how he told Joan all my personal thoughts and quirks, everything that makes me who I am, and it was given to her and used against me as a weapon. It makes me sick. How many times must I be burned?

Walking through, I'm almost past Medical and then I hear the soft tapping against the glass. I grit my teeth and my whole body tenses with anxiety. I slowly turn my head.

“Vera,” she rasps and beckons me through the window.

_Shit._

I have two choices. I can ignore her and keep going, or I can once again walk into the lion's den. I see her face which is as white as a ghost, made even more so by the white hospital gown. Her hair is loose in the ponytail, giving her a softer look. Her eyes that once held a sharp and intense almost gleeful smugness, are now filled with a broken and glassy look. I can see the ligature marks around her neck that are red and inflamed. She looks weary and for the first time I think she looks human. She looks no different than any of the prisoners here.

I'm cautious but something about her looks different and it's that side of me that still hopes that she'll give me what I want. What I've always wanted: to be **understood**. Memories of the first time we met and how much I looked up to her and admired her flash through my mind.

**“Stick with me and we'll achieve great things together. **”****

_Great things... how I wished for that too. I believed you when you said that, and I think you believed it too. I saved you. I can go in there. I should go in there. I don't want to but I feel obligated to speak to the woman who so many hate me for saving. I have as much of a target on my back for this as she does. I'm sure my actions will never be understood. I don't even always understand why._

I'm curious to what she will actually want to say to me, and it's this curiosity that gets the best of me. They did say curiosity killed the cat so maybe I'm punishing myself for doing this but I don't care. I slowly walk forward, pausing for a few seconds. I feel like she's going to pounce at any moment. My body is full of tension waiting for an attack because this is what she does. A wounded animal is always more dangerous. I slowly open the door.

Instead she looks at me and there is an awkwardness that makes me very uncomfortable as I stand before her. As she begins to speak I notice how she suddenly seems at a loss for words, and I'm reminded of our last dinner together in her home and I feel a small amount of pity.

“I, uh... I uh... I just wanted to say thank you,” she says softly and it sounds genuine as she sits down on the bed.

I'm surprised because I didn't expect her to say that. Even though I did save her, she's never been one to show gratitude, and especially considering how she just had a hand in destroying my life.

She looks at me a little cautiously as if she's unsure and confused by me. I'm a little confused myself sometimes as I stand here wondering what I expect to get out of this. The “thank you” should be enough and yet, I'm still here.

“Why did you do it?”

_I ask myself that a lot. It's not an easy answer._

**“I would never do to anyone what you did to me!”**

She looks a little broken before me as she watches me and it's a little sad. As if it's somehow so surprising that I'd save her life. I did for her what she never did for me. I kept my word. I showed her that I could do what she never did. And... because deep down, I've fought to keep her safe even when I wasn't always sure she deserved such protection. I've had to be the one to put my own personal thoughts and feelings aside, even if I wasn't always successful. I'm not perfect and who could blame me for wanting her to be put away after everything she did? Everyone wants her dead.

**“I hope you do die.”**

While I did make sure she was kept in prison for her crimes, I never wanted her to die. Not when it really came down to it. I couldn't watch her be strung up there and it was such an inhumane thing to see. It was so... fucking _horrible_. I remember the tears that were beginning to build as I watched her and knowing that no one was going to save her. No one had the courage. She looked so genuinely afraid and something inside me snapped. I couldn't let that happen to her... not even _she_ deserved that.

She is someone who I cared about at one time... and if I look deep inside myself, I know that I still care. I don't want Joan Ferguson to completely be a lost cause. Isn't our job to rehabilitate? To correct? I can't believe I'm using that word. **Correct.**

Joan didn't believe it was possible for criminals to be rehabilitated, but I believe it. I believe if given the right tools and care, that they can become better and more productive members of society. I believe people can change. I wish better for her, but I don't know if that's possible. I don't know if she can change.

Joan does what sounds like a quiet humorless laugh. “Whatever happens, your humanity always wins out. Is that it?”

_Is she mocking me? After I saved her, is that what she's doing? My humanity... and she still thinks it's only my humanity? Even if it was, how could she question the reasons why. She should know that I'd never let her die. She should know after all this time that I'm better than that. I'm not like her._

I stare at her and bite my tongue, and I don't think this is worth it. If she's going to mock what I've done and somehow throw it in my face as if it's something to be criticized, then I don't need to be here. I begin to turn away.

“If I go to General, your good deed will have been in vain.”

_There it is. Of course... I know this, Joan. It's why I'm still trying hard to do what I can to protect you, but I'm running out of time and I feel completely helpless. I hate this feeling, this lack of control I have. Is this what you felt in the last few months? No control... completely defeated._

“There's nothing I can do.” And I mean it when I say this. There really is nothing I can do. Not in so little time and not with Channing who has so much power with the board. She didn't think about that when she worked to bring me down through her sorry excuse of a puppet.

“You could speak to the board on my behalf, get me moved to Protection.” She's almost hopeful and I actually don't like what I'm having to tell her. Before I used to love to try and stick it to her and loved the look of anger on her face knowing I got to her. Now, it just seems so meaningless. All the games and the constant back and forth. It wasn't worth it, not if it resulted in this.

“That would take days. Channing's moving you to H Block this afternoon.”

“You know what will happen to me there,” she says quietly.

What does she expect me to do? I've tried to put her into Protection this whole time and if only she knew that if I was still the Governor after this barbaric event, I would have put her there right away. I would have done everything in my power to protect her. I would have made sure I was fair. Not because I need to be liked. It's with a great heavy heart that I know I can't do anything to help her. I shouldn't want to help her, but it's within my nature to make sure that no one feels like they'll slip through the cracks and be forgotten. Sometimes this prison is like a small death. It can bury you alive.

She looks at me almost pleadingly and it's with an irony that I know she's looking at me to be her savior once again. I hold her life in my hands. She's giving that to me and I'm stuck.

“It's not my decision. I am powerless now. You did too good a job on me.”

Her face has sudden recognition of the weight of my words and I see the wetness in her eyes of unshed tears. They reflect my own that I'm keeping at bay but there is a lump in my throat.

“Vera... wait,” she rasps.

I stop and turn back towards her. “Yes?”

She beckons me a little closer and then she slowly moves over and pats the bed. I'm hesitant because I don't want to be the fly that is caught in the spider's web. Everything she says and does is a calculated move, but she's a shell of her former self. Something is missing.

I sit down next to her and she looks at me with tired eyes and I see in them a woman who is angry and lost... defeated. I see a little of myself in what I could become if I'm not careful. This is what happens when someone has so much rage and hate.

I've felt rage, hate, and bitterness. I used to think that I'd never become like her, but I've changed over time since she's come to Wentworth. Some changes I like, and some others I don't like and it disturbs me that I'm still willing to do the things that must be done even if they're against the law. They serve... the greater good. But it's not her version of the greater good so doesn't that matter?

She bites her lip and holds her hands in her lap, and looks away for a few seconds and then turns back to me. Her eyes are watery and I feel an odd sense of trepidation and I'm not sure why.

“I, uh, I uh... I know I can't take back everything that's happened in the last year. I don't want to, but I want to let you know that... that... I'm sorry,” she whispered.

I lower my eyebrows. I didn't expect to hear that either. She's never apologized for anything, not that I know of.

She looks into my eyes and I see a tear slide down her cheek and it breaks something inside me to see this display of emotion. I feel the bands around my heart start to loosen and my breath hitches.

“Joan, you know that I would put you into Protection if I could. I've tried, but I can't because I don't have the power to do so. I've... we've both done things that have led to this. I'm trying... I'll still try even if I lose my job over it,” I say softly.

Joan nodded and took a ragged breath. “I know... it's a helpless feeling. I'm completely powerless too. I'm no longer who I was. I've become the animal within...” She says quietly.

I'm unsure what she means by that and I look into her eyes.

“We're both powerless now... that's what you wanted, isn't it? We're even,” I say sadly.

“I've always been taught to win... but I haven't won. No one has,” she says raggedly.

I take a deep breath. “You're right. No one has. I'm... sorry that I made it about that too. I should have never played tit for tat with you. I should have been better. I should have worked harder...”

Joan shook her head slowly and she rests her hand on mine and I'm surprised at the touch. She hasn't touched me since our dinner.

“No, Vera. You did things that you thought were right... for the greater good. You're right... I did too good a job on you. I taught you things that you used to your advantage, and in the end you still did more than I ever would.”

I hold her hand and sigh. “Remember when I told you that I learned nothing from you?”

“Yes, I remember. It... hurt when you said that,” she says and her lips tremble a little and I'm suddenly aware of what my own actions and words have done to her. It doesn't make her actions right, but I never knew that she could be hurt by someone like me.

“I learned so much from you, and I was hurt too. It's why I said that. I didn't want to think that someone who I admired, who I wanted to emulate, would do what you did. I didn't want to be like you or think I could be like you, but there are some parts of me that are. It's why I felt such an affinity towards you. You were my friend, not just my boss or my mentor. My friend,” I say and I curse myself as I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

She looks into my eyes and squeezes my hand gently and gives a sad, watery smile.

“You were my friend too,” she says and I don't know why I'm crying as I hear her say this.

She continues to hold my hand and her eyes are sad and defeated. “If something happens to me... I just want you to know that I'm grateful to you for saving my life and I'm sorry, Vera,” she says as another tear rolls down her cheek.

“Me too,” I whisper, sniffling.

Joan caresses my hand with her thumb and we sit there for however long in silence. The feel of her hand in mine and the soft breathing between the both of us, and every so often I hear her take a shuddering breath and I know she is crying. I'm saddened at what's become of us. I miss what we had before but I know we can never go back. Too much damage has been done.

I wipe my tears from my eyes and look at her. “Was I really that much of a disappointment?” I ask in a small voice.

She looks at me and stares for a few minutes before she squeezes my hand again. She brings my head against her shoulder and I'm shocked by the affectionate gesture and I stiffen as she rests her cheek against my head.

“No, you never were,” she says softly.

I cry quietly and I feel wetness against my hair as I realize she's crying too.

“I just wanted to please you. I wanted you to be proud of me and my work. I wanted to prove myself,” I cry softly.

She strokes my hair gently and her hand brushes my shoulder. “I know. You were very capable. You still are. I know you did things to protect yourself, just like I have done. We're not so different for that reason. I just... I felt betrayed.”

I sniffle and sigh, feeling a deep pain in my chest, lifting my head from her shoulder and look into her eyes.

“That makes two of us,” I say quietly.

She stares into my eyes and nods as she lifts her hand to stroke a stray hair behind my ear.

“You've never touched me like this,” I whisper.

She smiles sadly. “I don't always like to be touched, but you saved my life and I've always cared. I know that it may seem like I haven't but...”

“I care about you too,” I whisper.

She sighs and wipes away another tear from my eye. “Oh, Vera. However did we get here?”

My lips tremble and I don't know what to say, so I think of the only thing I can say of what's in my heart. My truth.

“I don't want you to die,” I say sadly.

“I know... I will try my hardest to stay alive, but if something happens, at least you know that I care. Don't forget about me, Vera,” she says softly.

I hold her gaze and reach up to wipe away a tear that falls from the corner of her eye, returning the touch as I nod.

“I won't,” I whisper.

She gently removes her hand from my face and looks down at her lap. I slowly stand up and she looks so small and frail. A far cry from the woman who terrorized the halls of Wentworth.

I have a knot in my stomach with a strange feeling of foreboding as I stare at her. She looks up at me and I clear my throat, but it doesn't help and my voice sounds a little hoarse.

“I'll try my best. I can't promise anything but I'll help you in any way I can.”

She's silent and I hear her take a few deep breaths before she speaks and her voice sounds tight and raspy.

“Thank you. I know you will. It's who you are. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it...”

I nod and slowly back away as I close the door. She looks at me through the window of the door and gives a small sad smile, the lost and forlorn look in her eyes saying more than words ever could. I watch her for a few seconds, my lips curving up but it's a half smile as I look at her sadly and walk away. I pause and take a few deep breaths and I feel sudden panic as I think about the gravity of the situation.

There is an elevator nearby and I quickly take it, and close the doors before anyone gets on it. I press the button to make the elevator stop and I slide down against the wall, sobbing as I hold my head in my hands.

_I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how I can save you._

“I'm running out of time,” I sob quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope that was something people liked. I wanted to write something that was more canon in the show to Joan and Vera's interaction and relationship without making it completely FreakyTits. I didn't want them to think romantically or sexually about the other. I wanted to explore a platonic relationship that they've shown on the show and expand on the bond and friendship that I think they still could have had if things hadn't gone as bad towards the end of S3.
> 
> Also this will be 3 chapters. Joan and Vera will be the first two chapters in first person POV, and there will be a 3rd character perspective in first person POV for the last chapter.
> 
> Feel free to follow/message me on twitter as @MsYukari or on tumblr as msyukari. :)


	2. Joan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

I grab Jake quickly from Medical and tell him to get me the fuck out of here, and I can't believe that he is telling me he's not a miracle worker. I never asked him to be a fucking miracle worker. I told him to get me out of here. It shouldn't be hard considering he's been smuggling drugs into the prison.

I've allowed him to smuggle drugs into MY prison. I never wanted to resort to drugs but there was no other way. Everything has escalated in order to accomplish my goal. Everything I've planned has backfired on me.

I pace in Medical and think about the inevitable. I'm going to die if I stay here. It's kill or be killed. They've put me into a corner, and Channing has already refused to put me into Protection. It's frightening at the level of hate he has towards me. It's not surprising, however. I hate him too. There is nothing I can hold over him anymore.

**“Joan... can you hear me?”**

I remember gasping as I felt forced air into my lungs. My vision was blurry for a small time and I could hear the ringing in my ears as I stared at a small figure with light surrounding its head, almost like a halo.

I don't believe in the concept of spiritual beings, but for a few seconds I thought I was looking at an angel. I had lifted my hand towards the angel, and I felt a small, soft and warm hand in mine. The voice kept speaking softly to me and then with increasing urgency as the angel squeezed my hand. My eyes soon adjusted and I saw the halo disappear and in its place was Vera.

I was confused at first, not fully remembering why I was looking up at her in the first place. I coughed and there was a burning pain around my throat.

**“Joan, don't worry, we're getting you to Medical.”**

Vera saved me. She saved me and I'm a bit surprised and baffled by this.

_Why did she do it?_

I see her start walking down the hall and I suddenly feel an urge to embrace her. What an odd feeling to have. I don't like over displays of affection, and especially not towards my enemy... or who I once thought was my enemy.

_To know my enemy..._

I tap on the glass a few times and I see her stop and turn slowly towards me. I can see she's cautious and nervous.

“Vera,” I say and my voice sounds a little raspy as I beckon her through the window.

She's hesitant and I know why, but I hope she comes in here to speak with me. As she slowly opens the door, I take notice that the lines around her eyes are a little tight, and her lips are drawn into a frown.

_I wonder if she's as tired as I am._

I want to tell her how I feel. I can't believe she saved my life. After everything she's done to me and that I've done to her, she had a moment of integrity. She showed me then that she has always been loyal to me in some way or another.

“I, uh... I uh... I just wanted to say thank you,” I say softly and this is one of the few times I've said this in my life and really mean it.

I slowly sit on the bed and she's staring at me completely silent, and it unnerves me because I see strain behind those eyes and the muscle tension in her body.

She's watching me warily and I know I have to ask the burning question.

“Why did you do it?” I ask carefully.

_I wanted to bring you down piece by piece and I managed this and with a smug satisfaction as I watched you begin to fall apart after I told you about Jake. I relished in your pain, your anguish, and your tears. So, why did you do it? You had every reason to let me die. Every reason to hate me. Everyone wants me dead. Why should you be so different? I would have finally been out of your hair for good._

She doesn't answer me and watches me with a growing unease and she looks suspicious of me. I suppose I can't blame her for feeling this way considering everything that's happened.

_Why are you looking at me like I'm going to strike you at any moment? I'm begging you to protect me from them. I need you to help me. How can I be a danger now? How can I be a danger to you? I'm afraid. I may not always show it, but I'm afraid._

**“I hope you do die.”**

Her words said to me after the fight in the yard and now I'm wondering if she regrets saving me. Maybe this is because it's her sense of duty. Her sense of humanity.

I consider this for a moment. Vera has always been one of the ones who _cares_. She cares too much about the prisoners. She cares too much about wanting to be liked. I cared too, although I don't care about being popular. Popularity is overrrated. It dawns on me that Vera has taken a risk to publicly protect me. Her morals, while at times questionable, are still there. Her sense of duty and the need to do right and be a good person, has led her to saving me.

_I don't know how to tell you how grateful I am that your humanity is your defining asset. We're alike and yet, we're so different. I wanted you to be like me in the beginning. I wanted to mold you and I have. You're not completely innocent by any means, but there is still a pure side to you. A light in you that still outshines the darkness. I'm glad that I haven't completely tainted you. Vera Bennett, the one with the heart._

I'm not always good at expressing my feelings, and I'm uncomfortable and anxious. So, I let out a small laugh because I don't know how to tell her these things. Words aren't enough.

“Whatever happens, your humanity always wins out. Is that it?”

I know her humanity is what saved me. I'm genuinely curious by her answer, however she just stares at me and I see a look in her eyes as if I've said the wrong thing.

_What's wrong with pointing out that your humanity is what drove you to saving me? What's wrong with pointing out one of your positive traits?_

She begins to move away and I panic and realize I have to tell her that I need to be protected. Vera is the only one who wants to protect me.

“If I go to General, your good deed will have been in vain.”

_I need your help now more than ever. Please don't turn your back on me._

“There's nothing I can do.”

_There is so much you can do. There is so much you are capable of._

“You could speak to the board on my behalf, get me moved to Protection.”

_You would have almost gone against my wishes to put me in Protection. You fought to keep me in Protection in the beginning. I know you're trying to do so now. I know you. I lost sight of your true nature for a few months, but I know you couldn't let anything happen to me if it's within your power._

“That would take days. Channing's moving you to H Block this afternoon.”

_If I go back into General, they're going to kill me. Please Vera..._

“You know what will happen to me there,” I say quietly.

_I don't want you to witness that. There's nothing worse than watching someone you just saved die. I should know since I experienced the same thing with Jianna. I had to save her from hurting herself after Shayne was taken away... only to think she killed herself later. Even if that's not true and she was killed by the other prisoners, I still had to see her body hanging, knowing she was dead. It ruins a person. It ruined me. I don't want that on your conscience._

_Please help me, Vera. You're my last chance._

“It's not my decision. I am powerless now. You did too good a job on me.”

Her words are a punch to my gut because I know she's correct. I hurt her in as many ways as possible, and now she's demoted. Fallen from grace and she no longer has the same power she could have in order to save me. I almost forgot she was no longer Governor.

I knew she wasn't, but I forgot about the consequences of what I've done. Seeing her now, I'm reminded of what my need for revenge has cost me. My father often told me that my single minded focus would be my undoing. I hate knowing that he was right.

I feel tears in my eyes and I don't want them to fall. I try not to cry, but the lump in my throat is painful against my already damaged neck. Her own eyes look shiny and I feel whatever is left in my heart start to break.

_What have I done?_

She's turning to walk away, and I don't want this to be the last time we speak. This can't be the end of it. What if I don't have this chance again? I didn't have the same with Jianna. I realize now that I've cared about Vera too much this entire time and it's why I've been so angry with her. It's because I care that I stop her from leaving.

“Vera... wait,” I say pleadingly.

“Yes?”

_This is my last chance. Make it count._

I lift my hand and beckon to her to come closer and I slide over, patting the bed. I want her to sit next to me. I need for us to be near each other, to be on the same eye level. I don't want to be looking down at her and I don't want her to be looking down at me. Equal level; equal ground.

She slowly steps closer and sits down next to me and I'm so tired of this life. I'm so tired of being here. I'm so tired of being **me**.

I can't look at her and I bite my lip as I stare at my hands in my lap and at the wall, unsure how I'm going to tell her that I'm sorry. I was taught to never apologize for doing what's right, even if others are hurt in the process. This is hard on me. It's hard to know that I was wrong. I was wrong about her. I let myself get too caught up in my anger. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would have seen that she was the key to making my time here a little easier. She aided in keeping me here, and that's still hard for me to swallow but she still tried to get me to go into Protection in the first place. I should have known that Vera still had my best interest at heart.

“I, uh, I uh... I know I can't take back everything that's happened in the last year. I don't want to, but I want to let you know that... that... I'm sorry,” I whisper.

I curse myself for the tear that slides down my cheek. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for how things have gone between us. I know my part in it and it's also this reason that I'm starting to cry.

She tells me how she would have put me into Protection and she mentions that she would have tried to do this and now doesn't have the power. It hurts because I know she would have.

I feel so powerless and helpless and I tell her this because we're both in the same position but on different sides of the bars. I tell her I've become the animal within. I really have become an animal. This prison has forced me to show my more primal instincts. Violence begets violence. Kill or be killed. This the only thing I can do to survive, and what am I supposed to do but kill or be killed? I don't want to cower before my enemies and beg them to let me live.

“We're both powerless now... that's what you wanted, isn't it? We're even,” she says sadly.

_Oh, Vera. I don't know what to tell you other than I've been taught a very fucked up and twisted view on life. I have to win. If I don't, I feel I've failed. I've failed to do my best. My father never made things easy on me. The importance of victory is ingrained in me._

_Neither of us won. Everyone loses at this prison. I've lost and you've lost and I don't feel a sense of satisfaction at this. Before I was willing to bring you down with me. Now, I just feel sick. I've hurt you in the same way my father hurt me._

“You're right. No one has. I'm... sorry that I made it about that too. I should have never played tit for tat with you. I should have been better. I should have worked harder...” She says.

I shake my head and place my hand over hers in a need to comfort, and I'm uncomfortable with this display of affection but I find myself needing to show how I care. The last time I touched her was at dinner in my home.

_Let me comfort you. You worked so hard, Vera. I didn't let you do your job. I refused going into Protection. You protected yourself against me because I wanted to hurt you. Why I never saw that, I don't understand. I was too busy thinking about how betrayed I felt and forgot that you were hurt as well._

_I'll never forget the look on your face when I slapped you or the look on your face when I told everyone you had Hepatitis C and demoted you. I humiliated you. It's what I do. I'm repeating the same behavior with you that has been done to me. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurt. You still saved me even though I've hurt you. You saved me when I didn't save you. I'm not a kind person, and I used to pride myself in not feeling guilty for many of my actions, and now I just feel guilt and regret that I've hurt you. You're the better person._

“No, Vera. You did things that you thought were right... for the greater good. You're right... I did too good a job on you. I taught you things that you used to your advantage, and in the end you still did more than I ever would.”

She asks me if I remember when she told me that she'd learned nothing from me and I remember this clearly because it had made me hurt and angry that she said such a thing. I took her under my wing and I taught her everything I could to help her survive working in the prison. She changed for the better. Her mother was taken care of and I saved her from that. I pushed her to remove the rot from her life. I gave her the power she needed. I showed her what she was capable of doing to protect herself. So, yes it did hurt when she told me she learned nothing from me. Just like it hurt when she said that I never cared about her.

**“You never cared about me!”**

_It's not true... not true._

**“I would never do to anyone what you did to me!”**

_I know that now. You've proved that recently. I should have saved you before but I believed I could stop the riot. I'm sorry you were hurt. It's not my fault that they hurt you, but I wish I had done the same thing for you that you did for me. Can't you see that I care? I've always cared._

My lips are trembling with the effort to not cry and then what she says to me next breaks my heart. I do have a heart, believe it or not.

“I learned so much from you, and I was hurt too. It's why I said that. I didn't want to think that someone who I admired, who I wanted to emulate, would do what you did. I didn't want to be like you or think I could be like you, but there are some parts of me that are. It's why I felt such an affinity towards you. You were my friend, not just my boss or my mentor. My friend,” she says and I see a tear slide down her cheek.

I swallow at the lump in my throat and smile sadly. “You were my friend too.” And she was. She was my friend, and dare I say I feel that she still is.

Vera is crying and I'm uncomfortable with the amount of emotion but I force myself to go through it because it might be the last time we have this time together.

I'm afraid something will happen to me and I won't be able to say these words to her. I won't be able to see her again if that's the case. If I die... if I don't die. I can't stay in this prison. If I'm killed or if I can find a way to escape, I know that I won't see her again. It's only a matter of time.

_And I'm running out of time._

“If something happens to me... I just want you to know that I'm grateful to you for saving my life and I'm sorry, Vera,” I say and another tear rolls down my cheek. I let them fall freely now. What else do I have left?

“Me too,” she whispers, sniffling as I continue to caress her hand. Don't you show affection when you care?

I know something will happen to me and it's with this knowledge that I begin to cry. I'm going to die here. I don't think I can escape. It'll be a miracle if I can before they come for me. I'm stuck and I'm afraid. I'm so very afraid. I cry as I take shuddering breaths and I don't care if she hears me. I'm so tired.

She looks at me and she asks me a question that I never thought she would. I didn't expect her to ask me this.

“Was I really that much of a disappointment?”

She sounds so hurt and so small, and I'm reminded of a child who is asking a parent. Her mother told her how much of a disappointment she was and it made me so angry that her mother treated her this way. I know what it's like to feel like a disappointment. My father told me this often so I couldn't stand by and watch the same treatment given to someone I cared about. Someone who I was developing a friendship. Especially one who I took under my wing. I was her protector.

I said she was a disappointment because I knew it would get to her. I knew where to hit the hardest for it to hurt. It's what I know how to do. What I've always known how to do. If I've learned anything from my father, it's how to hurt others. She felt like a disappointment for a while, but I know deep down that she really wasn't.

It later became a need to win against her. It was a game, but she was always a fine officer... a fine Deputy Governor, and if I look at her about what I was originally mentoring her for, which was for her to eventually have her own governorship... I can say that she was a capable Governor. I just never wanted her to replace me, but that didn't mean she was a bad Governor. We disagreed on several things of course, but this is the woman who would have protected me if she was still the Governor, and I now only have myself to blame for that.

_I don't want to hurt you anymore. There is no time for it... no need for it. I've hurt you enough, and you still saved me. I understand now. I understand you, my dear Vera._

I need to touch her as much as I think she needs the touch. I have a need to comfort... a need to be nurturing. I want to be comforted too. I don't want her to think she was ever a disappointment to me. So, I bring her head slowly and gently to my shoulder and rest my cheek against it, reaching up to stroke her hair. It's soft under my fingers and I feel her trembling slightly.

“No, you never were,” I say softly.

_You're not a disappointment. I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want you to take that with you. I know how hurtful that can be._

**“Oh, well, I'm so sorry to have been a disappointment to you!”**

_I'm sorry I've made you feel just like I felt with my father. I should have understood more than anyone how hurtful that is._

“I just wanted to please you. I wanted you to be proud of me and my work. I wanted to prove myself,” she says as she cries quietly.

**“No, what I need is for a father to just--just once in his life to say, 'Well done Joan, I am proud of you.'”**

**“No, you haven't! You haven't! Never--never once have you said to me. You have hectored and bullied me and treated me like one of your foot soldiers all of my life! What I want... is to be good enough! Why could I never be good enough for you?!”**

_All Vera wanted was to be good enough. I can relate to that._

I begin to cry as I realize this. I've always been proud of her, of her work effort. I know she always wanted to please me. I know she wanted to be liked. She didn't need to try because I already liked her. I already accepted her for who she is. I'm proud of her decency and her humanity. Traits I now wished I had the strength to possess.

_Vera, I've always cared. You've proven yourself numerous times._

I stroke her hair and rest my hand along her shoulder. The affection that I don't normally know how to show suddenly feels natural to me as I hold her against me. I'm crying and it's painful to see how much damage I've caused.

“I know. You were very capable. You still are. I know you did things to protect yourself, just like I have done. We're not so different for that reason. I just... I felt betrayed,” I say and I mean it. She's very capable. She can do anything. There is a reason for why I wished to mentor her in the beginning. She had so much potential and still does. She just has to see it herself.

She looks into my eyes and I know she felt betrayed by me. I know this. I'm sorry that I've betrayed her too. I'm sorry for what's happened between us.

_I'm sorry._

I feel like I want to touch her to give her comfort, and I slowly lift my hand and stroke her soft hair behind her ear.

“You've never touched me like this,” she whispers.

I smile sadly as I think of how small and vulnerable she looks. It's true that I haven't shown affection to her like this, but she's my friend and I care about her. I used to stroke Jianna's hair all the time. It's a soothing thing to feel and do. I feel soothed even despite my sadness.

I tell her that I've always cared and my heart breaks and swells at the same time as she tells me that she's always cared about me too. She keeps crying and I want to hug her, but something stops me. I'm afraid if I do hug her that I'll fall apart. I can't afford to completely fall apart. I'm barely hanging on as it is. So, I stroke her hair and cheek and hope that these affectionate gestures are enough to convey how I feel and how much I care and appreciate what she's done for me.

I sigh as I wipe away her tears. She's so emotional and for once I don't think this is a negative thing.

“Oh, Vera. However did we get here?”

_How did we get to this place of regret and sorrow? It's bittersweet and I'm sad as I think about how much you meant to me in the beginning. You were my protege, my colleague, and my friend. I treasured our relationship because it was the closest relationship I had since Jianna died. I've made some mistakes, but how I feel about you has never changed, not deep down._

“I don't want you to die,” she says, and there it is.

It makes my heart stop for a few seconds as I hear the pain in her voice. It's heartbreaking to hear this. It's painful to hear this because I might die. I don't want to die either.

_I will fight, but if the inevitable happens, you need to be ready. Don't blame yourself. The last thing I want is for you to hurt over my possible death._

“I know... I will try my hardest to stay alive, but if something happens, at least you know that I care. Don't forget about me, Vera,” I say softly.

I stroke her cheek and stare into her eyes that are filled with tears, trying to burn this last look of her in my mind. I remember her tears from before when I told her about Jake, and now I see tears that I wish I could take away. But I'm also grateful for the tears. It's opened up something in me that I didn't think I'd show her. I tried at our dinner so long ago. I'm trying again. I show her my own vulnerability in exchange for her own. It might be too late for me... but it's not too late for reconciliation. At least I hope that our conversation here has led to that.

_I won't ever forget you, Vera. I will take you and Jianna with me... in my heart._

I lower my hand and fold them into my lap, knowing that she will have to leave soon. I'm trying not to cry and I feel awkward knowing this will end. This moment of intimacy will end and I already feel empty.

_I feel lost._

I stare up at her and I see she is gathering herself before she has to leave Medical. I can already see the firming of her jaw but there is a softness around her eyes and a sound of determination in her voice at what she next says to me.

“I'll try my best. I can't promise anything but I'll help you in any way I can.”

_It's all I have unless Jake can find a way to get me out of here. I'm suffocating in this prison. I need to get out or I will die. I know she will try as hard as she can. I know she will go above and beyond even if she fails. Knowing that makes me feel a little more calmer. She was always a good person, a kind person. I used to think compassion such as hers was a weakness. But her compassion is what saved me._

_She empathizes too much, but that's why she is who she is. She is one of the most compassionate people I've ever met._

_Not many would think I deserve compassion as I'm finding with increasing anxiety how hated I am. Even if she's all I have, I'll take it. I'm so alone that I'll take even the bread crumbs given to me._

I feel a pain in my chest and I take a few deep breaths to try and make it go away, but it doesn't. It's still there and I look up into her eyes.

_I'm running out of time._

“Thank you. I know you will. It's who you are. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it...”

_I see you, Vera. Please see me._

I watch her through the window after she closes the door. She stares at me and I see sadness and frustration in her eyes. Her expression seems so resigned and I know she will probably not be successful in putting me into Protection.

I smile at her sadly, my eyes tearing up as I watch her walk away. I sigh and look down at my hands. The nurse will be in here soon and I can't even have a private moment of grief.

If I don't make it out of here, I'll be given a death sentence. These prisoners will see to it in their own animalistic way.

My heart is pounding because I know I may not see her again. If Jake can find a fucking way to get me out of here, I will find a way to show her my gratitude.

_If I make it out of here alive, someday I'll repay you for your good deed._

**“Stick with me and we'll achieve great things together.”**

_I have high hopes that if we can't achieve it together, that you will go on and live your life and live up to your full potential. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you, Vera._

_Don't let yourself become completely hardened._

_Vera, my personal savior. My dear friend._

“Thank you,” I whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for some reason I wasn't as happy with this chapter. Perhaps because it was doing the same scene but from Joan's perspective. I hope it didn't seem too rehashed with the same quotes I used in the first chapter and that it was still enjoyable to read.


	3. Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster." - Friedrich Nietzsche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated chapter 2 and chapter 3 in a day only a few hours apart so please make sure to read chapter 2 before this.

It's cold but adrenaline is coursing through my veins. There is no turning back now. I'm doing this. I take the shovel and diligently dig up the dirt. I glance at the box in the truck and she is completely unaware of what is about to happen.

As soon as it's deep enough, I quickly pull out the box and it feels heavy with her in it and I lower it into the ground, careful so she doesn't know what's happening. She thinks she's escaping. She has the tools to escape.

I look down and for a few seconds I stop breathing. Am I really going to do this? No, don't start thinking about that. She never gave a second thought to her actions. Why should I?

I grit my teeth and pull the hood over my head and begin digging up the dirt and throwing it on the box. I do this quite a few times until I hear her screaming to let her out. Screams of terror and my hands are starting to tremble.

She won't stop screaming. I try to drown it out and I focus on the work of digging up the dirt, trying desperately to ignore what's happening and what I'm doing.

_This is the right thing. The only thing I can do! She'll keep coming back. This is for everyone you hurt. For the women, for Vera, for Franky, for Kaz, for Jake, for Allie..._

I pause as I consider how Allie asked me and Jake to do this and I knew I would after the conversation I had with Ferguson. The pain I felt after she called me impotent and reminded me of how I couldn't save my wife. She tried to say I had a halo on my head. That I had a hero complex.

“I have no halo. I never did,” I whisper angrily.

_This is for Bea._

**“If I'm such a monster, then why didn't you stop me when you had the chance?”**

I ask myself this every day. It got harder every day watching you try and destroy my life and so many other lives. All because of some twisted vendetta.

I keep digging the dirt onto the box and I work faster as I try to ignore her screams. I didn't stop you before because I believed that I was being the bigger person, the better person than you.

“You won't stop,” I whisper fiercely.

_This is for Vera._

_This is for Franky._

_This is for Kaz._

_This is for Jake._

_This is for Allie._

_This is for Bea._

_This is for_ **ME.**

 **“** **You know the one constant in this prison? Your** **impotence** _ **.** _ **When your wife died within these walls, what did you do?** _**Nothing**_ **. No, worse, you** _**forgave** _ **her killer.”**

**“They're going to kill you up there!”**

**“I don't doubt it. Those women are capable of... doing what you can't.”**

I was trembling with pain and rage and she was right. They did do what I couldn't. She taunted and mocked me for it.

_This is what I get because I saved you in the fucking fire? Miles was right. I should have let you burn._

“You're a plague. You're evil. Why should I let you rise up again? You're poison,” I say with venom in my voice.

I breathe heavily as I keep throwing the dirt onto the box. She's filled me with her poison. It's spread to me. It's painful and I feel like it's going to wrap around my heart and suffocate me because I'm so angry. This is what she does. I have the balls to do this. How dare she call me impotent because of what happened to Meg!

_Yes, I forgave Franky. I forgave Bea when I thought she originally killed Meg. I've even forgiven Jake. I forgave Kaz. At one time I thought I could forgive you._

I'm finished and I hear her screams still and I look around me. The ground is covered. Her screams are muffled now and she's putting up a fight. But I'm fighting fire with fire. This is poetic justice.

“LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

I swallow as I hear her screaming louder and I'm still shaking as I cover the ground with the branches. Don't even think about it. This is right. This is what's best. She gave me no choice.

I take a ragged breath as I stare at what I did and I can't believe I buried someone alive. I never set out to do this. I set out to do good by others. She's screaming. How can I let someone, even someone like her, suffer and listen to her screams and do nothing?

 **“** **You know the one constant in this prison? Your** **impotence** _ **.** _ **When your wife died within these walls, what did you do?** _**Nothing**_ **.”**

**“Those women are capable of... doing what you can't.”**

**“Doing what you can't.”**

**“Your impotence.”**

I glare at the ground and swallow hard.

_You won't last long if you keep screaming. Good riddance._

I get into my truck and drive away and I keep driving because I don't know where I'm going. I'm far away from Wentworth. I drove far away enough to make sure she wouldn't be heard or found and that no one would see me.

**“LET ME OUT OF HERE!”**

**“I'M IN HERE!”**

I can't get her screams and pleas out of my head. I turn up the music to full blast, hoping to drown it out. It works for a short time and my muscles are tense and sore as I drive.

_This is for the best. It's for the greater good. I did the right thing. Sometimes people have to do things they don't like in order to do the right thing._

I sigh as I remember what Kaz told me.

**“To get justice, sometimes you need to cross a line.”**

I definitely crossed a line. I crossed a line I never thought I would. I couldn't let Kaz take it upon herself or Allie. I couldn't let any of them do it. I saved her the first time, and Vera saved her the second time. Vera shouldn't have had to do that because I should have never saved her in the fire to begin with.

I keep driving for an hour and I keep thinking of crossing that line. I think of how I saved her in the fire. I think of how I forgave Franky for accidentally killing my wife. I think of how I saved Kaz from drowning.

I think of how all of this is because of Jianna and that boy Shayne. That's what she hates me for. She'll never forgive me for it. It's hard to forgive myself most days. She doesn't know what it's like to deal with that day in and day out. All she sees is someone who took them away, and I was never responsible for Jianna's death.

“They killed her because of you! Not me!” I scream, hitting my steering wheel.

_How can I forgive you? I can't. You're gone. It's done. You're dead._

_Dead._

I feel panic set in as I realize what I've just done.

_I killed her. I committed murder._

I breathe raggedly and quickly pull over the side of the road, getting out of the truck and quickly moving to the bushes where I vomit. I retch and heave. I feel like there is nothing left in my body as I feel the pain in my stomach. I gag and vomit again, and I get on my hands and knees and shiver.

I feel cold and sweaty and I breathe heavily, closing my eyes as I sit on the side of the road. I lift my hand and my face crumples as feel this deep pain surge up until I cry out in agony. Hot tears stream down my cheeks and I cover my eyes with my hand, weeping. It hurts my entire body.

It's as if I threw up all the poison that was in me and I feel the pain of knowing I've done something I never thought I'd do. I've killed someone. I've murdered Joan Ferguson.

“What have I become?” I whisper and no one hears me.

I lick my lips and look around, standing up as I slightly stumble into my car and sit. I breathe heavily and look at the time. It's late. It's been at least two hours.

I sigh and shake my head and her screams are forever in my brain on replay and I know I'll have nightmares about them.

_If I'm even able to sleep tonight._

I swallow and blink wearily, thinking of where she is and how no one will know what happened to her. She'll never get out. Only I, Jake, and Allie will know her fate. However, I'll be the only one who knows her location. The only one who heard her screams.

_What kind of man am I? I've become like them... like her._

I breathe heavily and quickly turn on my car, backing up and turning around and my tires screech. I speed down the road, not caring if there are any cars or police nearby.

I keep driving until I find the area and it's with panic and desperation that I realize how far I've stooped that I thought any of this would go away with her death.

_I can't have this on my conscience. I won't let this eat away at me. You're fucked up, but I'm not like you, and that doesn't make me impotent. It makes me stronger than you._

I grab the shovel and quickly work at digging up the dirt. It's harder than I thought and I panic thinking that she might already be dead.

I can't hear anything and my eyes widen as I finally get closer to the box and I quickly get inside, opening it and I stare down at her and she's not moving or breathing.

“I'm too late,” I whisper.

I grab her by the shoulders and legs, her body limp in my arms as I move her onto the ground. I lift myself out and I'm reminded of Vera saving her out in the yard. I put my ear next to her mouth, not hearing or feeling her breath, and then press my fingers against the pulse of her neck.

I can't feel anything. “I've run out of time.”

_Get it together and start doing CPR you idiot!_

I place my hands on her chest and start doing chest compressions.

“Come on,” I say urgently, pressing on her chest. I move down and clear her airway, tilting her head slightly back as I give her mouth-to-mouth. I do this a few times and still nothing.

“Come on, Ferguson!” I say loudly.

I keep trying and it doesn't work.

_I've killed her. Fuck._

I rest my head on her stomach, sighing heavily. I look at her pale face and bite my lip. I try mouth-to-mouth one last time, breathing into her lungs a few times. I feel defeated and it seems like a last ditch effort.

_I should have--_

She coughs and breathes, choking as she takes a gasp of breath. I shiver as I look down at her.

_She's alive._

She coughs and breathes deeply, blinking as she groans softly.

“Vera,” she whispers.

I lick my lips, and shake my head.

“Vera... I knew you'd come,” she whispers and I see tears in her eyes.

_It would have been better if it was Vera. She's the only one who wanted to save you._

“No, not Vera,” I say quietly.

Her breath hitches and she furrows her eyebrows, slowly turning her head and looking at me. She blinks a few times and takes a shuddering breath.

“Will,” she rasps.

“Yes.”

She doesn't speak and stares at me for a long time and I feel nervous under the intense scrutiny. She coughs and turns away from me, looking around and blinking. She turns towards me again, and her eyes bore into mine.

“Well played. I never knew you had it in you. I... you came back for me,” she says hoarsely.

I nod. “Yes, I did.”

“The hero,” she breathes.

“No, not anymore,” I say and shake my head slowly.

She breathes and rubs her face, her hand resting on her forehead as she closes her eyes. I watch her curiously and she rubs at the ligature marks around her neck, wincing slightly.

“No, I suppose not. You're not who I thought you were,” she whispers.

“I don't know if you ever really knew me,” I say warily.

She sits up fast and grabs my jacket, and with great strength she pushes me down against the ground. She pushed so hard that it knocks the wind out of me and I pant and gasp. She straddles me and her weight makes it hard to breathe. I feel a squeezing pressure around my neck. I can't catch my breath and wheeze as I wait for that feeling to go away. Then I realize her hand is around my throat, squeezing tighter and I grab at it, trying to pull away.

"Stop!" I rasp and choke.

She loosens her grip and leans down until our faces are inches apart.

“You tried to kill me!” She hisses.

I tense, trying to breathe and stare into her eyes. _If she is going to kill me, then I guess I deserve it._

“I tried... but in the end I couldn't let you die.”

She narrows her eyes and tilts her head a little, studying me and I feel goosebumps on my skin as she quickly removes her hand from around my neck and lifts her body off of mine. 

I sit up and cough, gasping as I breathe. I reach up and wince and rub my neck. I see her sitting on the ground with her legs crossed. She glares at me but I see she is shaking. 

_She's afraid._

“I won't go back,” she says vehemently.

She lowers her head and I see her fidget with her hands. She's holding onto them tightly and I now know she's trying to keep me from seeing her hands shake.

I frown and think of how badly I want her to pay for her crimes, but I don't want her near any of the women again. I'd have to explain how I found her and she's covered in dirt. But should I let my own selfish reasons get in the way of her standing a fair trial? Who would believe her? Who would believe I buried her alive? I can't take the chance that they might and that I'd be caught.

“You should get out of here. Don't come back. Escape just like you planned. Don't come after me. Don't come near Vera. Don't come near anyone who had anything to do with Wentworth ever again,” I say firmly, looking at her hard.

She lifts her head slowly and stares at me, lifting her eyebrow and purses her lips.

“I don't plan on ever going back to that fucking prison so you can consider yourself in the clear,” she says hoarsely and stands up.

“Where will you go?” I ask curiously.

She looks around and spots my truck. “Help me leave the area, and I will need money. It's the least you can do considering the events of tonight,” she says quietly.

I nod slowly and it's a strange feeling I have as we walk back to my truck. She is trembling and I feel some guilt as I turn on the heater and wrap her in a blanket. I hand her a small towel and she uses it to gently wipe off some of the dirt from her hair, neck, and face. She watches me cautiously and tilts her head back against the seat, sighing softly.

We drive in silence for a while. My heart sinks as I hear soft crying and I keep driving. I feel so much guilt, and I look at her from the corner of my eyes and I need to say something that she needs to hear. I _need_ her to hear it.

“I just wanted to say... I, um, I'm sorry about Jianna,” I say softly.

Her breath hitches. “Please don't say her name.”

“I'm sorry, I just--”

“Please...” She says and her voice is hoarse as she raises it and coughs, placing her hand around her throat.

I grind my jaw and nod. I pull the truck over and help her out where I hand her as much money as I can. I give her a black hoodie of mine as she takes off her teal top and replaces it with the black.

“You will leave and not come back. This is your last chance, Ferguson. Tell me you won't speak to anyone about tonight.”

She stares at me for a few minutes and gives a small nod. “Tonight never happened.”

I breathe a sigh of relief and as I look at my steering wheel, she taps on the window. I'm not sure what more she could want and I'm cautious as I wonder what final blow she wants to deliver to me now. More taunts about how I was too impotent to go ahead and finish the job. My body is full of tension as I brace myself for it, rolling the window down as I wait for what she has to say.

“Channing owns a brothel with ex parolees. He's been doing it for a long time. I kept that information to myself to use it to my advantage, but that doesn't work for me now. If you're the man you say you are, use this information wisely. Vera will remember I once asked her to bring up a list of parolees during my time as Governor. Work with her and bring him down. That's my final request,” she says firmly and her eyes are intense as she looks into mine.

I didn't expect to hear _that_. I release a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

“He runs a brothel?” I ask, my eyes widening.

She nods slowly and I can hear the contempt she has for him at what she says next.

“Yes, Derek is a brothel owning pimp masquerading as a regional manager, or in this case acTing Governor,” she says tightly.

I see that we have a more common enemy. I was too busy thinking of her as the only threat to see that she wasn't the only shark in the water. His position of power over the prisoners and officers creates a very sticky situation, and I know I have a bigger problem on my hands at the prison. You remove one bad thing, creating a vacuum and the universe replaces it with something else, and usually something worse.

“Thank you for telling me.”

She shakes her head. “Don't thank me until he's brought down.”

I nod. “You have my word.”

She gives a small smile as she turns around and walks away, disappearing down the street.

I bite the inside of my cheek and think about how Jake was never fired for drugs. How easily he seemed to get off and I realize that if Channing is involved in a brothel, it would be no surprise if he was also involved in the drug smuggling.

I grind my teeth and start my car and drive back around, growing more angry as I drive home.

_I need to talk to Vera tomorrow. We have bigger fish to fry._

 

* * *

 

I sit at a table out in the shade as I watch the sunset, sipping a vodka soda as I take in the environment around me. It's quiet here and secluded, which is something I need right now. It's been several months since my escape and I'm living a quiet life in the United States. It's different and it's been an adjustment, but I like it here. My name is changed in order to protect my identity. I've been able to access money through the help of some people my father once worked with.

I can live comfortably and quietly and I teach fencing and violin on the side. It's not what I prefer doing but it passes the time and gives me some fulfillment and the need I have to mentor and teach others. I take out a piece of stationary and sharpen a pencil, making sure the tip of it is sharp enough. I press the point against the paper and begin to write.

**_Dear Vera,_ **

**_I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you don't know where I am, but I want to assure you that I am well and safe. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you of my plans. I know you tried hard to protect me. You did everything you could and once again, I'm grateful. Please don't blame yourself. I hope things are going well for you. I think about you often and I miss our friendship._ **

**_You don't have to write me back, but if you choose to do so, you can send mail to this address. It's not my home address but I use it for special circumstances. And maybe you'd like to come and visit? I don't make friends easily, and you're the closest I have. I don't want to lose that... I don't want to lose you is what I'm trying to say._ **

**_I know things have never been easy between us. They have been turbulent and unpredictable, and a lot of that has been my fault, but I want to let you know that I've never forgotten the good deed you did for me that day. I'm forever thankful to you. I hope you're not too angry with me after you read this. I had to get out of that prison so I hope you understand. I would genuinely like to see you someday in the future if you're willing. I care and... I miss you. I don't say that to many people. I don't remember the last time I said that to anyone. You were one of the few who tried to look behind the mask. One of the few that finally could see me and understand me, and that means more to me than you'll ever know._ _I hope you're content with your life, and that you please consider my invitation._**

**_Perhaps one day I can finally make you that mojito._ **

**_Yours truly,_ **

**_JF_ **

 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's the end of the fic. I wanted to write about Will and use his guilt and turmoil here for Joan and what he's done. I wanted to write it authentically to someone like Will after the finale for why he'd do that and how it speaks to his pain and sense of poetic justice.
> 
> For the very end, I want it to be left up to interpretation on what Vera would respond with when she reads the letter from Joan. Would she respond at all? Would she write her back? Would she find a way to get her back into prison again? Or would she write back and actually visit her as Joan requested?
> 
> The ending for the last part of that was somewhat inspired to the ending from the book The Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal writes a letter to Clarice after he escapes. In the movie, it's a phone call, but I prefer a letter with the ending being a bit ambiguous and left up to interpretation. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed that fic!


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